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Vital point

Just ignore the title. Lol. This might be an emotional post, also might be not.

Finally me and my parents have come to settlement, come in peace, and (hopefully) they started to see me clearly, no longer clouded by their own judgment. 

It takes a little tantrum (from me), heated arguing,cry and tears, hugs, and finally understanding “you’re free to do whatever you want.”

I feel really sorry for my dad, really. He’s a wonderful Dad,I’m so thankful and I couldn’t ask for more. The thought of making him sad killing me everytime, tore me to to pieces and it’s so painful, but I also can’t bring my self to live his expectation. 

In the age of almost 26, he expect me to have brilliant career in prestigious company, adult mindset, spouse, kids..just like his friends’ children..

I just can’t..I just don’t want it, I can’t find the drive from my self..hours and hours of seeing therapist are still not effective (I’m getting better, I’m sure).

I also don’t like when my dad and step mom start to compare my self with somebody whom they think is way better than me (my friends also do that, I hate it I swear!!!). In which, the comparison might cause me mental breakdown.

So one morning my dad and I having breakfast. After all the tantrum in previous day and I told him to start to see me clearly, this is me, your child, who loves you more than anyone else,but can’t live your expectation. Please accept me…

He said “okay, you’re free to do whatever you want, and I will support you”..

I hope he really mean it…but I’m so relieved..after all these years, after all these years..

I also will learn to accept my self..

I belive there’s a beautiful hikmah behind all these life episodes..and I believed what Allah has planned for me are the best for my need..

Bye

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Les bahasa afrika???

((minggu lalu))

((telponan))

Bapak : “coba cari les masak kue di depok,biar bisa bikin usaha toko kue” *random ya*

Saya: “okeee”

((beberapa hari yang lalu))

((telponan lagi))

Saya : “Pak, ridhah udah nemu tempat les masak privat”

Bapak : “apa? jangan becanda deh?!”

Saya : ” Lho kenapa Bapak marah?”

Bapak : “Ngapain pula mau les bahasa afrika? ada-ada aja!” (makin marah)

Saya dan adek : (ngakak ga berhenti, wkwkwkwkkwkw)

“LES MA SAK PRI VAT BAPAK bukan les bahasa afrika”

Bapak : “oh iya, hehe, salah denger bapak”

wkwkwkw

gitu deh, alat komunikasi emang bikin dekat, tapi sering bikin salah paham 😀

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IG and relativity 

I have a relatife whose age is the same as mine. A female too, but she’s already married at the young age and have 2 children already. Living in a small town in West Sumatra.

One day we have a family gathering and have a family-driving(?) moment. Her husband drove the car with her, their children, her younger sister, me and my brother.

Her younger sister keeps talking about Instagram and how amazing it was, then she asked,seriously “apa itu IG (read : ‘ie-ge’ not ‘ai-ji)?” What is IG?

She asked. Her husband and younger sister frantically laughed at her. She frowned and said in defense “how could I know? I’m busy with child-rearing and you never buy me a smart-phone” she pointed at her husband.

I stunned. I was exposed to instagram on 2012,the same year when she got married. Instagram has been being a familiar thing to me since then, all my friends, colleagues,even my parents have their own account. I thought everybody have it,but not her.

We live for the exact same years. The years I’ve spent with instagram are the years she got married, pregnant twice, giving birth twice,child rearing, cooking for her husband and kids, no hang out with friends /ladies day or night out thingy, facing peak and valleys on her marriage, facing the ups and downs of their financial condition, supporting her husband on their small scale business..

All the hardworks she’d done was never praised,yet she’s made fun of for being not know what “IG” is…I wanted to puke that time..

The days I spent lauging with friend,went to fancy place,hunting foods, snapped pictures,posted it on instagram are maybe the same days when she was in labour-pain, cleaning her children’s pup, making her house clean and a second later her kids make more mess than ever..

One day she said this to me while hugging her crying baby : “I feel like I already have too many children and yet you’re still not married”..oh yeah.

Interesting eh how we are the same age but living and experiencing things so differently??

personal · thoughts

Tentang 2016

Assalamu’alaikum.

Kemarin-kemarin saya sudah berencana untuk tidak akan menulis apapun tentang yang saya lalui pada 2016. Melihat teman-teman posting di social media tentang kesuksesan mereka pada tahun lalu membuat saya sedih dan berkecil hati.

Tahun 2016 adalah tahun kesedihan bagi saya, well that’s what I thought, until recently. ada 366 hari di tahun 2016, 75%nya mungkin saya lalui dengan tangis, haha lebay.Awal tahun sudah dihadapkan dengan masalah-masalah murid  yang membuat saya kalut bukan main. Marah, sedih, kecewa, iba, tapi apalah daya saya. I felt useless, so useless.

Kemudian memutuskan resign, sedih sekali rasanya akan meninggalkan murid-murid. Masih ingat benar ketika partner saya akhirnya ngasih tahu murid-murid kalau saya tidak akan bersama mereka di next academic year, dan mereka bertanya “miss kenapa mau keluar? miss ga sayang kita lagi ya?” Nangis lagi….

Datok meninggal, disusul Opanya fira – runi, kemudian Nenek, dalam waktu 2 minggu.

Bulan Juni datang, saya belum punya pekerjaan baru.

Bulan Agustus, saya tidak lulus masuk s3. Kemudian pengangguran. Berteman terus dengan kegagalan, merasakan sakitnya penolakan. Hubungan yang memburuk dengan orang tua. Depresi. Iman naik turun, lebih banyak turunnya.

..dan sekarang Januari….

kemarin saya membaca blognya Paulo Coelho, cukup singkat,tapi mampu menghangatkan hati..judulnya

10 sec reading: My wife and the burnt light

My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.

I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.

My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there. I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.

“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“ It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”

kemudian saya berpikir, iya juga ya, kok saya malah fokus ke yang jelek, sementara lupa banyaknya nikmat Allah yang saya terima dalam 366hari tersebut.

alhamdulillah saya masih hidup, sehat,mampu ibadah, masih dalam nikmat islam. Alhamdulillah orangtua masih sehat, masih mendo’akan saya, masih menyayangi saya. Alhamdulillah punya adik yang selalu bisa diandalkan, Alhamdulillah masih bersilaturrahmi dengan keluarga besar bapak,ibuk dan ummi.

Alhamdulillah masih punya rizqi, punya tempat tinggal yang layak,pakaian yang bagus, masih bisa makan enak, masih bisa minum karena air masih melimpah.

alhamdulillah masih bersama maung,meski gabisa terlalu sering ketemu,percayalah kujumpai maung dalam do’a do’aku.
alhamdulillah sering bersama nilam dan ayu. alhamdulillah punya teman berbagi.

alhamdulillah saya dan teman-teman terdekat selalu sepemahaman, terutama dalam soal aqidah, alhamdulillah.

alhamdulillah masih bersama kak ega dan kak melti.

Terus alhamdulillah ngerasain banget apa yang disebutkan dalam hadits ini

“Allah tidak akan memberikan rezeki kepada hamba-Nya yang mukmin, kecuali dari arah yang tiada disangkanya” (H.R. Al-Bayhaqi)”

Yang mana saya dapat motor dari acara reunian SMA. Gratis,tis. STNK dan BPKB diurusin. Saya tinggal ambil. Sungguh senior-senior itu baik sekali. alhamdulillah. Kalaulah hari itu ayu ga ngajakin, kalaulah hari itu kelas KIEI ga dibatalin,kalaulah hari itu Aik ga ngeyakinin saya untuk dateng,akan gimana jadinya. Caranya Allah dalam mendatangkan sesuatu emang ga akan bisa dinalar manusia. :’)

Kesimpulannya, apa ya, insyaa Allah selalu ada hikmah dari tiap kejadian, insyaa Allah selalu ada ganjaran dari setiap ujian.

Saya tutup dengan terjemahan dari surat Al-Hadid,ayat 20

“Ketahuilah, bahwa sesungguhnya kehidupan dunia ini hanyalah permainan dan suatu yang melalaikan, perhiasan dan bermegah-megah antara kamu serta berbangga-banggaan tentang banyaknya harta dan anak, seperti hujan yang tanam-tanamannya mengagumkan para petani; kemudian tanaman itu menjadi kering dan kamu lihat warnanya kuning kemudian menjadi hancur. Dan di akhirat (nanti) ada azab yang keras dan ampunan dari Allah serta keridhaan-Nya. Dan kehidupan dunia ini tidak lain hanyalah kesenangan yang menipu” (QS. Al Hadid: 20)

Wassalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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Those empty feeling

Before moving to wordpress, I’m using blogspot pretty frequently, to blogwalk of course, not to write,but maybe the latter is right too because  I was more productive than my current state.

I think I’ve stopped blogwalking since I started my thesis writing process,almost 2 years ago. I also stop opening my blogspot account because I want a fresh start with this wordpress.

Suddenly, today, I’m missing those good old days, reading all blogs I grew up with (well pretty much that way), because I started reading them when I was teenager..

Sad things, most of them are not updated or removed, or url-changed..I can’t explain those empty feelings that swallow my heart, when I miss things very much but it’s nowhere to be found..

All memories of me reading the writing that touch my heart are playing in my head, very vividly. Those times when I feel downed but their blogs cheer me up, even they’re not related to me at all…

 

oooh, pardon my babbling about this sentimental crap..

probably blogging and blogwalking is not a ‘thing’ anymore..

everybody is vlogging now….uh